Episode 301 Newlyweds Season 3 Premiere Recap and Transcript
The show starts off with Nick and Jessica all dressed up talking in their chauffeured car:
Nick: “Well, our two year anniversary - an awesome second year.”
Jessica: “It was a better second year than first year. What did we get each other last year?”
Nick: “Um, I can’t rememeber.”
Jessica: “I can’t either.”
I think that the chauffeur says something about what Jessica gave Nick for a present and then Nick swears.
Jessica: “Nick, you are.”
Nick: “You are by far.”
Jessica: “I am the easiest. Ow.”
Nick: “You have to go and spend a freaking fortune everytime.”
Jessica: “No, that is not true!”
Nick: “I’ll buy you another piece of jewelry that I’ll see for a month then I’ll never see again.”
Jessica: “That’s not true.”
Nick: “Like the heart pendant.”
Jessica: “I knew you were going to bring that up.”
Nick: “Where is it?”
Jessica: “I love that.”
Nick: “Do you know where it is?”
Jessica: “Yes I do too.”
Nick: “Probably lost it.”
Jessica: “No it’s in my safe. I think.”
Nick: “Your safe?”
Jessica: “Whatever it is, that jewelry thing.”
Nick: “Your drawer?”
Jessica: “My drawer.”
Nick: “Tennis bracelet?”
Jessica: “It’s in my jewelry drawer.”
Nick: “I’d know, that’s what I’m saying. It never leaves the drawer.”
Jessica: “I wore it last night.”
Nick: “You did not.”
Jessica: “I love that bracelet.”
Nick: “You are a complete ****en liar, you just sat there bull****ing. Unbelievable.”
Jessica looks at her arm: “I’m so pale.”
Nick: “Nice topic change. Never good enough.”
Jessica: “What you’re saying doesn’t always have to be diamonds and all kinds of stuff.”
Nick: “It doesn’t?”
Jessica: “No! Ew. Who do you think I am?”
Nick: “The way to ensure myself I get burned it not to give anything at all.”
Jessica: “Ooh I just had an idea, I know what I’m getting you.”
Back at their house the next day, Nick is on the computer and Jessica is sitting watching him. They’re both wearing hoodies and baseball caps. Jessica’s wearing army-like cargo pants. The phone rings and Jessica answers - someone’s dropping something off and Jessica asks him to go get the door. Their dog runs along too.
Nick asks how the guy is doing and it’s a guy called Kenny from Darkside Motoring - dropping off some wheels for Nick. “Who ordered these wheels?” “Jessica”. He is so excited and can’t wait to put them on his truck.
Nick: “Is this my anniversary present?”
Jessica: “Anniversary present number one” she says with a grin.
Nick: “Ahh, these are great” he says and comes over to kiss her.
Jessica: “I’m just pimpin’ your ride.”
They hug and kiss and Nick tells Jess he appreciates it.
That night Nick is still excited about his new rims, “oh I got rims for my truck” he sings.
Nick: “Are you ready baby?”
Jessica: “Oh god I can’t believe how bad it’s raining.”
Jessica’s wearing all black with a sparkly little hat/cap. It’s pouring out as they drive in his truck.
Nick: “Serious rain on a rainy wedding day.”
Jessica: “A rainy one year anniversary, a rainy two year anniversary.”
Nick: “At least we’re not at Octoberfest this year.”
Jessica: “Ugh. Looky here.” showing him her bracelet while laughing.
Nick: “Ahh you decided to wear your Christmas present out, did you?”
Jessica: “Do you have my present with you?”
Nick: “Uh huh, certainly not going to tell you, you’re going to have to wait and see.”
Jessica: “Saddle Peak Lodge… did you find this online?” looking at the driving directions printed off.
Nick: “Yeah, I heard about it from somebody and they have this cool exotic dishes like deer, buffalo.”
Jessica: “Ugh great, how can you eat that?”
Nick: “There’ll be something you’ll like.”
Jessica asks if they have something on the menu but Nick doesn’t think so.
Inside the restaurant Nick and Jessica toast to “two years of wedded bliss, not a dull day in the two years” says Nick.
Jessica: “Well maybe a couple but that’s what makes us stronger.”
Nick: “I love you very much.”
Jessica: “I love you too baby.”
Nick: “Two year anniversary.”
Jessica: “Shall we wait to do presents at dessert?”
Nick: “I don’t know…got mine ready and waiting over here.”
Jessica: “What do you think a roasted pheas…pheasant breast is?”
Nick: “Bird.”
Jessica: “Hmm, so it’s not chicken. There’s no chicken.”
Nick: “It’s the cousin of a chicken.”
Jessica: “I wonder if you can substitute sides.”
Nick: “No.”
Jessica: “Are you going to try the elk?”
Nick: “I don’t know, what do you think?”
Jessica: “That elk?” looking over at the stuffed head on the wall.
Nick: “Pretty sure that’s a deer. Think the elk are bigger.”
Jessica: “That is a big ass deer if that’s a deer.”
Their entrees are served and Jessica asks what they are - they’re balenis.
Jessica: “Can you pick that up?”
Waiter: “Yeah you might want to cut it. It will last longer that way too.”
Jessica: “Mine’s going to last really long. Especially that cavier crud. What is cavier?”
Nick: “Fish eggs.”
Jessica: “Oh. But why is it so expensive? It’s like eating a lot of fish? That right there is like eating a hundred pieces of sea bass!” she laughs. “You love me because I’m the piggiest eater that’s ever walked the face of this earth.”
Nick: “It’s the first thing that drew me to you. Want to do presents?”
Jessica: “Ok I’ll do yours first then.”
They both reach under the candle-lit table to get their presents out and Nick hands Jessica an envelope with a big smile.
Jessica: “Miss Lachey”
Nick: “No, Mrs Lachey”
Jessica: “Sorry”
Inside is a card which Nick has written lots inside to Jessica. The only words printed on the card inside are “I love you”.
Jessica says she can’t read his handwriting. Nick says it’s not that hard to read while drinking some wine.
Jessica: “I’ll talk to you in about thirty minutes. Is that “is” or “if”?”
Nick: “Is.”
Jessica: “No it’s “if”. See you can’t even read your own writing.”
Nick: “Well it’s upside down.”
Jessica: “What’s that?”
Nick: “Perspective.”
Jessica: “Does it say honored or something?”
Nick: “Yes that’s what it says.”
Jessica: “What’s that?”
Nick: “You can read that!”
Jessica: “Lay?”
Nick: “Try.”
Jessica: “Oh.”
Nick: “Oh the whole thing’s blown now. Good grief.”
Jessica cracks up, “I can’t read your handwriting at all. I love you!”
Nick: “You don’t even know what it said!”
They kiss and Jessica says Nick can read it to her in the bathtub later.
Nick: “You’re not supposed to hand it back to me, it’s yours.”
Jessica: “Let’s redo this here.” lighting a little cake candle.
Nick: “What are you doing?”
Jessica: “I want to have us make an anniversary wish and we’re gonna blow it out together. Ready? You make yours, I’ll make mine.”
Nick: “Wait a minute, who gets to make the wish? Whoever blows it out first?” blowing it out, “ha ha ha”.
They both laugh.
Jessica: “Screw you, I want my one.” she relights the candle.
Nick: “Well I liked mine.”
Jessica: “Yeah but…” she blows out the candle. “Ok.Alright.” she hands over a little box with a box on it to Nick.
Jessica: “What do you think will be in that box?”
Nick: “TNA? **** ass?”
Jessica: “Yeah that’s what’s in the box.”
He opens it and laughs. “Wow, those are awesome baby.” It’s diamond earrings. “What a nouveau couple we are, you give me earrings.” They kiss.
Jessica: “What but is that bad that we’re a nouveau couple?”
Nick: “No. Shall I give you yours now?”
Jessica: “I don’t know.” she opens it up. “Baby! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh, thank you!” and leans over and kisses him.
It’s a beautiful bracelet.
Nick: “Do you like it?”
Jessica: “I love it!”
Nick: “Happy Anniversary.”
Jessica: “That’s a big-time present.”
Nick: “Well it’s a big-time marriage.”
Jessica: “Look at it, I mean look at it.”
Nick: “I’m looking.”
Jessica: “I love it.”
Nick: “I’m glad.”
Jessica: “I do love it because it’s chunky. I love anniversaries!”
Nick: “Well that’s anniversary and Christmas.”
Jessica: “It is?”
Nick: “No. We’re a settled married couple now.”
Jessica: “You find that the settled married couples are always the happiest.”
Nick: “Here’s what I want to do as our big anniversary present: I set up for us to go to Napa valley tomorrow morning for a couple of days.”
Jessica: “Ooh, trying to get me drunk and into bed?”
Nick: “Whatever it takes at this point.”
Jessica: “I can’t believe we’ve only been married two years.”
Nick: “It seems like 45.”
Jessica: “I know.”
Nick: “God almighty.”
It’s the next morning and Jessica and Nick and their dog are getting ready to head to the Napa valley. They’re just about to leave but their dog Daisy threw up in its carry bag.
Jessica: “If you’re going to throw up anymore, don’t kiss me either.” she says to the dog.
Later in the car as they’re being driven:
Nick: “Just couldn’t leave the **** blocked at home, could you? We take a romantic trip to Napa.”
Nick and Jess get into a helicopter and fly out over the beautiful coast, past San Francisco’s huge bridge, and up the Napa valley. They’re staying at The Carneros Inn.
Jessica: “Nick, this is amazing.”
Nick: “It is romantic up here.”
Jessica: “The next best thing to Italy.”
Nick: “Maybe.”
Jessica and Nick say they love each other and snuggle as they’re driven around the vineyards.
Nick: “Someone told me that champagne is only made in Champagne France. Clearly that’s not the case, but I actually bought it. I believed it.”
Jessica: “You don’t think they made champagne in Italy?”
Nick: “What?”
Nick: “What else shall we do while we’re here?”
Jessica: “Well it’d be fun to go to the opera house but I don’t have to.”
Nick: “Well let’s go and do it although I think there’s better places to go and see an opera.”
Jessica: “No it’s not an opera, it’s a cabernet show.”
Nick: “Cabaret? You said cabernet show.” They both laugh.
At Domaine Chandon they are shown around by a woman.
Jessica: “We’ve never even been to a winery.”
Nick: “No, this is our first winery experience.”
Woman: “You like sparkling wine?”
Jessica: “Uh huh.”
Woman: “Well this is our most prestigious cuvee”
Nick: “This is going to be a terribly stupid question but what is the difference between sparkling wine and champagne?”
Woman: “You know we consider it to only be champagne if it’s make in the Champagne district in France but we make it the same way.”
Jessica: “You’re right!” to Nick. “On the way over he said he thought champagne was only made in France.”
They toast and try the sparking wine.
Jessica: “You have to toast all day?”
Woman: “This is my first toast today.”
They head over to the restaurant.
Nick: “How many people have to be removed from the winery per day for public intoxication?”
The woman laughs: “Very few…. You’re celebrating your anniversary?”
Nick: “We are - two years.”
They go outside to saber the bottle in celebration.
There’s a tonne of glasses back inside for them to taste.
Nick: “If I have to try every one of these glasses, I am going to be the first person carted out of here today. You might see me streaking through the vineyard later.”
Jessica laughs, “oh god.”
They toast and drink some champagne together.
After a while the woman offers them cheese.
Jessica: “I get scared of cheeses. I’m a person who mixes all cheese with American cheeses.”
They drink and taste lots more and Jessica likes quite a few.
Jessica: “Here’s a tricky question, how did they make wine in Jesus’ days?”
Nick: “What the hell is wrong with you?”
They both laugh and the woman gives a weird look at Jessica’s bizarre question.
Jessica: “Can we buy several of them I like?”
Nick: “Oh boy.”
Later on they thank the woman and hug her. They’ve bought a basket with goodies and wine in it and another bag full of wine. The woman invites them to come back again and Jessica says of course, they had so much fun.
Jessica: “She got us a lot.”
Nick: “Course she did, she works there. You don’t care about anything right now.” with a laugh.
Jessica’s not walking the straightest. Nick asks if she can walk in a straight line and she says she can with a laugh. They get back into their driven car.
Jessica sounds a little drunk in the car and has some water. “It’s a really great valley.”
Nick: “What? Are you speaking english right now?”
Jessica: “Oh god, all I did was try ****.”
Nick sings “it’s our anniversary” with Jessica on his lap. “Easy there cluck-a-luck.”
It’s the next morning and they’re introduced to a guy called Mark who shows them around a vineyard. They’re given cutters and gloves to go get a few grapes. Nick jokes around with the cutters towards Jessica. They grab a picking bin and grab a cluster of grapes. They talk about rattlesnakes which are in the area.
Jessica: “There’s rattlesnakes out here?”
Nick: “Do rattlesnakes hide in the vines?”
Mark: “I’ve heard a couple of horror stories.”
Jessica: “Oh god.”
After picking some for a while Mark says: “I think we’ve got enough. Who’s going to squish?”
Jessica: “I’m definitely not going to squish in these boots.”
Nick: “Come on grape girl. Where’s the squishing area?”
Mark: “See that half-wine barrel? That’s our squisher.”
Nick: “Take your shoes off, that the deal?”
Jessica: “Isn’t it gross to put your feet on it?”
Nick: “It’s the way it’s done right? Which is worse? Your bare feet or the bottom of your boot?”
Jessica: “I don’t know, I’m going to watch you first.”
He jumps in the little barrel and squishes on the grapes.
Jessica: “Does it hurt?”
Nick: “It kinda feels good. Oh yeah!”
Jessica laughs.
Nick: “Why don’t you get in there and do it?”
Jessica: “I don’t wanna. That’s a lot of juice. Is there an episode of ‘I love Lucy’ where she did that?”
Nick: “I think so.
Jessica finally gets in with Nick and squishes on the grapes too.
Jessica: “How can you say it’s not cold? Ow, ow, ow, watch my foot. Don’t you think you’re done?”
They get out and clean their feet with water - Jessica thinks her feet look red and Nick says his are cold. They go back to the barrel and have a look in. Nick says it tastes good and sweet.
Back in the car Jessica says it was a “very awkward experience.”
Nick: “Jessica Simpson, how could you say such a thing? When are you going to have the chance again to squish grapes with your feet?”
Jessica just makes weird faces.
Nick: “You hungry?”
Jessica: “Yeah, starving.”
They go to Beringer Brothers Winery for a three course lunch. They have a special menu inviting “Jessica and Nick” to the restaurant.
Jessica: “Are you pissed it doesn’t say Nick and Jessica?”
Nick: “Yeah I was fuming about that.”
Jessica: “No way.” looking at the menu.
Nick: “Yes way.”
Jessica: “Ok, well if the advertiser has curry oil, I won’t eat it. And I don’t like squash, its puree butternut squash.”
Nick: “Don’t read it, don’t read it. You like bread and butter - here.” showing her the butter.
Jessica continues to complain about the menu and Nick isn’t impressed. Jessica says she’ll keep it a secret she doesn’t like those things.
Jessica: “That’s a big appertiser. What do I do? I don’t want to be rude.”
Nick: “Eat it.”
Jessica: “No I don’t want to throw up either. Ugh. I think you should take it.”
Nick: “Trade me, I’ll take your fork.”
Jessica: “You’re going to be really full after this meal.”
The next course is brought out and Nick thanks the waiter.
Jessica: “I just can’t do that, I just can’t.”
Nick: “Try it.”
Jessica: “I mean, if a duck is like a chicken, why is it pink? Hope you like duck.” she spoons her food onto Nick’s empty plate. Nick tells her to do it faster so no-one sees.
The dessert is brought out and again Jessica isn’t impressed.
Jessica: “Ugh, what is that?” She makes awful faces and wrinkles up her nose. “I don’t think I like the dessert either. Try the pear.”
Nick: “Mmm, I like the pear. It’s good.”
Jessica: “You’re kidding me?”
Nick: “You didn’t even try the wafer.”
Jessica: “Well I don’t want the wafer. Maybe the icecream I’ll like.” Again, she screws up her face. “Try the icecream, it’s got a leaf taste to it! Like a fig! Just tell me what I’m tasting, please. Don’t dip it in sauce, just taste it. Even if you like it, what am I tasting? It’s not vanilla, that’s for sure. Don’t let the whiteness of it fool you.”
Nick: “It’s lemon and..”
Jessica: “That icecream tastes like pinesoul, that was awful.”
The chef comes out and introduces himself to Nick and Jessica.
Jessica: “It was wonderful, thank you.”
Chef: “My pleasure.”
When they’re gone, Jessica says she feels bad. They head off with a gift of a couple of bottles of wine.
Back in the car Jessica says: “I had fun with you today.”
Nick: “I did too.”
Jessica: “I hope Daisy is ok, I can’t wait to see her. She’s going to cry and cry and cry.”
Nick: “Of course she’s ok, she’s a dog. What happens to dogs, they eat and they sleep and they play with their tools. If you cry and a single tear goes down your cheek I might vomit. Come on.”
When they get back Jessica cuddles Daisy, “oh baby, why are you crying, I’m here.”
Nick: “She’s not that excited.” he kisses Daisy and plays with her.
Nick says they should get ready for dinner but Jessica wonders if they should order room service instead.
Jessica sees a bottle of champagne and gifts - “oh my god, what’s all this? Do you know?”
Nick: “I have an inkling.”
Jessica: “Is it what our cake is? It looks so much like our cake, I love it. Do you want me to help you? We had that at our wedding. Happy Anniversary”
Nick cuts the cake together with Jessica then pops the cork (very loudly!).
Jessica: “Trying to kill me?”
Nick: “I shot at the wall. If I wanted to kill you, I’d shoot it at you. Well, to our two-year anniversary. Two years of wedded bliss and many more to come.”
Jessica: “Many more. It’s been a long two years though. I feel like we’ve been together forever.”
Nick: “I’ll drink to that.”
Posted by Rachel at 1/28/2005 | 
January 28th, 2005 at 12:27 pm
Thank you for posting this.
January 29th, 2005 at 3:42 am
Wow! I love that you do this. I’m not getting this season yet in Canada and I love reading it. Keep up the good work!
January 29th, 2005 at 5:50 am
Thankyou so so so so much! I’m in the Uk and that was fantastic reading! Please keep up the good work!!
January 29th, 2005 at 4:31 pm
**** THE MEDIA. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR THREE YEARS (SINCE I HAVE BEEN 19) AND ALL COUPLES GO THRU IT. JUST HAVE FUN AND DONT LET THINGS STRESS YOU OUT SO MUCH. AND PLEASE KEEP FAMILY OUT OF YOUR PERSONAL AFFAIRS… TO EVERYONE ELSE OUT THERE. THIS IS NOTHING WRONG. IF THEY MAKE A DECISION TO OR NOT TO BE TOGETHER THATS FINE…. BUT IM THINK THAT THEY ARE DOING THE BEST OF JOB WITH EVERYONE IN THEIR FACE.