Howard Stern - Day One - Part One

Howard Stern - Sirius 100 Satellite RadioNearly every entertainment show, be it on radio or TV, starts with a song or some kind of music. Launching Howard Stern’s brand new show free from the FCC was no exception. If you’re familiar with the theme music from 2001: A Space Odyssey then you would have easily recognised it through the ‘tuneful’ farting. As the music fades, George Takei, the original Mr Sulu from Star Trek who will be Howard Sterns announcer for his show, announces that it’s the first show for Howard Stern and that it’s Monday, January ninth in the year of our lord, 2006 and welcomes us all and is thankful that those annoying heartbeats are off the channel.

George then introduces the stars. Firstly the expensive, much ballyhooed, King of all Media Howard Stern - the most testosterone filled hetrosexual on the planet. Then, the rest of the crew, listed alphabetically and by sexual orientation.

George then tells us that they’re broadcasting live from a studio that is so incredibly beautiful that it would be a real shame if they got fired.

Howard’s first words are “Thank you George Takei. Of course in typical Stern show fashion we are riddled with technical problems.”

There is plenty of feedback and squealing and they joke that the media will probably be scribbling away and saying that they were looking for ads to play within the first nine minutes so they could fix the problems.

It all seems a little unorganised as they fumble around trying to find a song to play instead and there is a lot of discussion about what they might play.

They eventually get the song to play and tell us that they’ll get everything fixed and then come back and launch the show properly.

After interrupting the music thinking they have it fixed, there is still squealing in their headphones. After they think they’ve finally got it sorted again, they pass the mic back to George Takei to re-introduce the show. Roll the music…

Sirius - the final frontier. This is the maiden voyage of Howard Stern’s Satellite Radio Show. His five year mission:

  • To seek out new lesbians with sexy stories to send in
  • To have a drunken black midget speak as rudely and incoherently as possible
  • To boldly go where other hacks in the radio business refuse to go because Howard is brave and they are a big bunch of pussies

And now… the Howard Stern show.

Howard then gives a wrap up of what’s been happening since his last show on terrestrial radio. He refers to the recent announcement that Sirius made about reaching 3.3million subscribers and that conservatively they bought in 2million subscribers. He also says that there were more activations yesterday than there were on Christmas morning which had more than 180,000 and there were points when subscribers couldn’t activate due to high volumes. So they’re really excited that people are following them across which is pretty much a slap in the face to the media who have been saying that they wouldn’t. Howard says that he’s really proud to be a part of Sirius and he sees the future of Satellite Radio as really exciting as he has seen all the energy and money being spent on programming and music.

Howard talks about his last show and how he was disappointed that he changed his game plan and missed some of the speeches. But he’s thrilled that they’ve got a good couple of million listeners which, although they had 20 million listeners on terrestrial, it’s about the same numbers as what gets the cable networks crowing about.

Howard then uses the F word for the first time when he says “and isn’t this a great friggen environment. If you’ve just become a new subscriber you just start tuning around the dial even when we suck. You’ve got to be saying to yourself this is f*ing great.”

They then decide to talk about the whole use of expletives but manage to get side tracked and end up talking about Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis.

Howard says that he has a no cursing rule, particularly for Sal who beat the dirty words to death in the dress rehearsals and it just wasn’t funny.

They give out the phone number for the first time and ask for callers to call 1-888-9ASS-HOLE.

Eddie is the first caller and he’s a bit low in the mix. He’s full of praise and says he’s made his day. They move on to the next caller as he didn’t have anything to say.

Howard says he was so done on terrestrial radio with all the commercials and FCC. He’s excited to be on air but thinks he would have liked to have been off air for another 6 months and just do interviews because there was no way he was going to be able to live up to all the hype.

Howard says that they have a billion things that they want to play that they’ve never been allowed to play because of the censorship. And with that, they play an uncensored song with some explicit sexual content from the Pat O’Brian sex tape. Afterwards they joke that Pat O’Brien is building a rocket to knock them off the air.

With that they talk about the Pat O’Brien’s uncensored sex tape.

They explain that the reason they chose the phone number 888-9ASS-HOLE was because when they were on normal radio, the FCC had said they weren’t allowed to use the word while other radio DJ’s were allowed to which was a rather double standard.

They play more music and mix in the sex tape over the top and Howard says he wants to get Pat O’Brien on the show to find out if he got the girl that night.

At 8:00am they are having a press conference and Howard says that’s the last bit of press he is going to do for a while.

They then talk about George’s first sexual experience, with an older man, at a boy scouts camp when he was 14.

They play a clip from NBC who have been reporting on the show and in typical one media vs another media, take the piss out of their opening few minutes of technical issues. It’s always funny hearing what a competing media has to say about another.

Howard then decides that he should call David Lee Roth who has taken over his old show to give him some help and advice. They can’t get through though because the old hotline isn’t working so they try calling another number but get put through to their old office which has their old voicemail answering the phone.

They inform us that they are going to provide some revelations at 7:30 and then Howard is going to tell us whether or not he’s married.

Apparently Sirius hardware has been selling out and yesterday there was a nine hour wait to get activated.

David Lee Roth has declined Howard’s offer to talk to him during his premiere show despite how he was wanting to get Howard on there in the first place. They talk through the reasons as to why they might not have taken Howard’s call. They suggest that it might be that they would be scared he would promote his new show on air but I think they might be afraid that he would say something that would upset the FCC.

Howard says that if they had put him through to talk to David Lee Roth then he would have said that any radio show on terrestrial takes a year to 18 months before it reflect audience participation - good or bad - and that he’s got to have time to develop his show. Then he would have gone on to tell him that he heard his first show and how he had his uncle on air and that he thought it was horrible. He then would have asked him to give his english co-host a lie detector test to see if he was lying when David asked him what he thought of his uncle and he told him he thought he was great.

They talk about how he seems to be afraid to take dangerous calls and mock his “Reality Radio” thing as he seems to be afraid to be straight up and put his ass on the line as was the case when a female caller asked him about all the stories that he’s been with all these women all his life but no one has ever heard of any of them and wanted to know who he was with now and he replied he wouldn’t say because he didn’t want a Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

They do a bit of a piss take at George’s old colleague from Star Trek, William Shatner. They don’t stop there. David Letterman is the next target in “tissue time with Heidi Cortese”.

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